The Angel
by bookdiva
Summary: Deeks's POV when Kensi comes in the first time in 5x01. I may continue on if there is some interest. Possibly do Kensi's POV then the next scene of the actual rescue, and so on. Read and review :) Rated T for the mentions of torture… (no pun intended)
1. Angel of Pain

_**AN: So I was feeling masochistic and went back and watched the torture scene and the rescue(s) and this is what happened to me. Yeah, you could say I went to a pretty sad place. The lack of new episodes is probably making me crazy… Anywho, this was born in, like, five minutes, so it may be rough. **_

_**Thanks Bamie02 for reading this over and letting me drag you down with me. **_

_**I'm thinking I'll continue, but let me know your thoughts!**_

_**Blessings,**_

_**bookdiva**_

* * *

Pain. Pain and darkness. The angel—who'd been with him through the pain earlier—had left him, and he was now alone in the dark with his pain. Everything around him was dark and painful.

He tried to cry out for the angel, but his mouth couldn't form the sound. Then suddenly, unlike before, he could smell her.

_Sunshine and gunpowder._

He knew she wasn't real—she couldn't be real—but he felt lighter all the same. Then, suddenly, he heard the angel's voice.

"Deeks?" even in the pain and darkness, he became concerned. Why was the angel in such distress. "Deeks—no!"

He wanted to reach out and make the angel's pain go away, but he couldn't get his body to respond.

"Deeks? Deeks!" With each call of his name, he managed to fight his way closer to consciousness. "Deeks!"

He finally broke out of the darkness. For a moment, he was relieved. But then the pain hit him and he gasped. Everything—the lights, the sounds, the smells—hit him at once, and he was completely overwhelmed.

"Hey, hey. It's okay. It's okay. It's me. It's me," the angel—whom he could now recognize as Kensi—said. "It's me."

Relief washed over him.

_She's here. My Wonder Woman will save me. _

"You—you gotta get me outta here."

She ran her hands all over his body, ignoring his plea and searching for hidden injuries.

"Kensi, the kit!" an unpleasantly familiar voice called from over by Sam. His mind was too far gone to be able to determine the voice's identity. Kensi stood and tossed something across the room. She turned back and began to take out another package.

His mind, foggy with pain, revolted at the sight.

"You gonna cut me loose?" he forced out around the intense waves of pain that were hitting his jaw.

_Isn't my angel here to save me?_

"I don't have much time, and I—I can't." Her voice cracked at the end, but he couldn't process that. It was all he could do to wrap his foggy mind around the words she was saying.

_Is she really that mad at me?_

"Huh?" he breathed out. "What—what's happening?"

"You have to stay here just a while longer, okay?" she looked down. "I'm sorry."

_No, it's NOT okay,_ he wanted to scream, but he couldn't get his mouth to form the words. She continued to avoid his gaze as she lifted his shirt, applied the kit, and explained what was expected of him.

"Are you that mad at me?" he forced out past the pain.

"What?" Her fingers fumbled, and she finally looked up at him.

"I'm sorry…" he said, his words becoming more and more slurred. "I'm sorry, okay? It didn't mean anything… I didn't even sleep with her… I'm s-s-ssss…"

And then the darkness was there, threatening to overcome him again, and he couldn't register anything. He didn't hear her protests or her apologies.

"Let's move, Agent Blye," the same unpleasant, familiar voice from before commands, cutting off Kensi's fragmented words. He looks into her eyes one last time.

_This could be my last chance to see her. Cherish it. _

Her eyes are wide, and he can see her heart breaking in them. He hates that she's in pain, but he also wishes she would stay. He honestly doesn't believe she could really leave him there. But then slowly, she backs away from him, and his entire world falls apart.

* * *

_**Leave me a review with what you think! :)**_


	2. Angel of Betrayal

_**AN: Wow. I'm really glad you liked this so much! So, this hit me at around 1 am. Yep. Again, kinda darker than my usual stuff, but this HAS to be dealt with. Please respond and let me know what you think… where you want me to go from here.**_

_**Thanks to Bamie02 (amazing as ever) who looks over my stuff for me! **_

_**Blessings,**_

_**bookdiva**_

* * *

Pain. Pain and bright lights and information and panic and confessions and traffic lights and a lock pick. Since she heard the news, that's all that has been swirling around her, and it's all she can do to make sense of any of it. But she has to.

Because he is counting on her.

She follows Granger, gun raised, ready to take out any bad guys that stand between her and her partner. What she doesn't expect is for the smell to hit her—the blood and the sweat and the tears and the pain—and for her stomach to roll over. Still, she pushes through, and her eyes eventually begin to adjust. First she sees Sam in a white room.

_No Deeks,_ is her only thought. _Where's Deeks. _

He can't be dead. He just can't.

_I'd know. He promised, and damn it, I would KNOW! _

But then her eyes adjust. She almost wishes they hadn't because there he is, lifeless in front of her, strapped down to a chair.

"Deeks?" But he doesn't move. Her wrists begin to ache, her heart has practically stopped beating, and she wonders if this is what it's like to _know_. "Deeks—no!"

She can't stop her voice from breaking, but she doesn't care. It doesn't matter anymore. If he's gone, then she doesn't want to stay.

"Deeks? Deeks!"

_It's pointless! _her mind screams at her, but she just ignores it.

"Deeks!"

The gasp he lets out—filled with anguish and fear—is both the most achingly beautiful and horribly soul-wrenching sound she's ever heard in her life. Then his eyes open, and suddenly her wrists don't just _hurt_, they _burn_. Her heart doesn't _practically_ stop, it's _no longer beating_. Time stands still, and Agent Blye almost flies out the proverbial damn window.

"Hey, hey. It's okay. It's okay. It's me. It's me. It's me."

She can see the moment he understands, and she hates the relief—the almost _joy_, if someone in that much pain can feel joy—that passes over his face as he finally recognizes her.

And she's supposed to just leave him there.

"You—you gotta get me outta here."

She does everything in her power to block out the sound of his voice—so certain that she's there to save him—from her mind. She runs her hands all over his body, searching for hidden injuries. She finds more than she ever wanted to know about, and she decides that she can't leave him there.

_He wouldn't leave me!_ she screams in her mind. _I can't leave him here._

"Kensi, the kit!" Granger's voice—from over by Sam—brings her back to the mission.

Agent Blye stands up and tosses the kit across to her boss. Kensi Marie stands there, frozen—reliving the feel of her partner's now tortured lips on hers. And Fern… she's tied up in that auto body shop, right there with her heart. All three parts in one body.

Unfortunately, she is who she is, and Agent Blye is autopilot. So she turns back and takes out another package.

"You gonna cut me loose?" His words are slurred and barely distinguishable, but she hears them. She almost wishes she hadn't.

"I don't have much time, and I—I can't." She can't hold it together, and her voice betrays her at the end. She can't look into his eyes, or she'll lose Agent Blye. She'll become Kensi—or worse, _Fern_—and she'll scoop him up and leave and…

"Huh?" he breathes out, pulling her focus back. "What—what's happening?"

"You have to stay here just a while longer, okay?" She looks down. She looks side to side. She looks anywhere but his pain-filled blue eyes. "I'm sorry." The last words come out in barely a whisper, but she knows he hears them.

Agent Blye takes out the kit and begins to explain in a rock hard—if slightly wavering—voice exactly what is going to happen. Kensi hates the way her partner flinches at the sight of the kit. And Fern…

"Are you that mad at me?" he slurs, and her if her heart hadn't stopped before, it does now.

"What?" Her fingers fumble and stop, and she can't keep her eyes away from his anymore. The moment she looks up, she looses the fight.

"I'm sorry…" he said, his words becoming more and more slurred. She has to strain to make them out. "I'm sorry, okay? It didn't mean anything… I didn't even sleep with her… I'm s-s-ssss…"

_Oh god, he thinks…_ But she can't afford to even finish that thought.

"No! Oh god, _no_! Deeks—no! I know—I was… no! I'm _not_ mad! I'm not. You're right. I'm not mad. You didn't—_Deeks_!" But she can tell she's lost him. His eyes are glazed over and he's absolutely gone. And she knows he didn't heard a word she just said.

"Let's move, Agent Blye," Granger's voice hits her, hard and strong, and it causes his eyes to clear too. He looks into her eyes like it's the last time, and she loses it. Fern takes over.

She reaches over, and her hand is headed toward the restraint when Granger's hand hits her shoulder. She's backing away from her partner before she fully realizes exactly what is happening, but she can't tear her eyes away from his. All the way to the door, he manages to keep up that eye contact.

And she sees it, the moment she steps away, that something unfixable has broken.

Granger opens the door and the flooding of light blinds her view of her partner. The fresh air surrounds her, but she feels guilty just breathing it. She can't breath it. And then she realizes that she really _can't_ breath it, because she can't breathe at all.

Granger grabs her arm and drags her down the alley. She's too dizzy to put up a fight.

And so she sits and she waits. She watches Michelle confront Siderov. She watches them walk into the auto body shop.

And minutes later, when she hears the two gunshots that ring out from the auto body shop, it feels like they're center mass hits to her unprotected heart.

* * *

_**Reminder, after that depressing thought, that reviews make my day!**_


	3. Angel of Disappointment

_**AN: Hey guys! I am ALIVE! I'm sure some of you have been wondering, so here it is in a nutshell. I was a camp counselor this summer, and then I came back to start school, and I am now finally getting over my bronchitis. So, long-story-short, it's been a REALLY long summer away from fanfiction!**_

_**Thank you to all of you who have messaged me, been patient, and just been... amazing, really. Thanks to Fern for sticking with me! It's really good to be back!**_

_**Now, about my other stories (Hey Baby, New Understandings, etc.) I WILL be continuing... this just hit me first, and I'm working to get back into the swing of writing... it's just been a REALLY LONG time! Thank you all for your understanding, and for sticking with me! **_

_**Enjoy this depressing chapter. I hope this season premiere is better than the last, because if I ever see them leave Deeks is that kind of situation again... well... it won't be pretty! :)**_

_**Blessings,**_

_**bookdiva**_

* * *

__The pain doesn't stop—in fact, it only gets worse—but Deeks is almost morbidly grateful for it. It's only the pain that keeps him out of his head and in reality. The silence and stench of the auto body shop fight to send him back to the horrors of his mind, but he fights it. In that moment, the pain is the lesser of the two evils.

Suddenly, the door opens, and Deeks's heart drops inside his chest, because he knows that it's not his angel this time. It's his tormentor; his captor; his torturer. He's back, and suddenly Deeks thinks that maybe the horrors of his mind aren't so bad after all.

"Do you know this one?" Siderov's voice cuts through the fog and forces Deeks into the present. It's enough to force him to make eye contact with the woman he knows to be Quinn—_Michelle_—Sam's wife. She barely spares him a glance.

"I saw this guy outside of a hotel once where we were staying," Quinn says harshly, shaking her head. "I thought he was a cop."

"Your boyfriend's handler," Siderov says, seemingly taking great pleasure in condemning both supposed agents. "I don't know what agency. I had to make sure I could trust you."

The doors open, and Deeks can finally see Sam, but then the room starts spinning. Somewhere in the back of his mind, Deeks knows that he's lost too much blood, but in the moment, he's too far-gone to really care.

All he can hear is the blood rushing in his ears and the sound of Kensi's voice as she tells him (seemingly over and over) that he just has to hold on a little while longer. He wants desperately to hate that she's still the only thing tethering him to reality, but before he can really get his mind around any coherent thoughts, he hears his "cue" from Sam.

"FBI."

"Alright, listen," Deeks says. The words are hard to push out of his mouth, but somehow he manages. "You let us walk out of here and you guys walk out of here." He barely manages not to flinch as Quinn's fierce gaze pierces him and she strides forward. "Nobody even knows we're here."

"You kill a Federal Agent, you're as good as dead," Sam says.

Without warning, two shots ring out, causing Deeks to jump. His sudden movement sends waves of pain throughout his entire body. He doesn't even have to fake the fear in his voice as Quinn turns away from Sam's slumped body.

"No. No…"

The fake bullets hit where they were supposed to, and it hurts like hell. Stars explode in his vision, and the sound he lets out is probably what a dying man would actually sound like.

It takes everything in him to remember to slump over, stop breathing, and stay completely still. He's subconsciously aware that Quinn is talking to Siderov, and then they leave together. But his mind is too busy reliving memories of his angel.

It's eerily silent for around sixty seconds, and he's left with nothing but the memories—the good, the bad, and the ugly. In those sixty seconds, he sees Tracey, a spunky girl who just didn't fit. Next he sees Agent Blye, with walls so high he'd be crazy to even think about scaling them. And then he sees her face, the first time he called her Fern… which leads him to see her face the _last_ time he called her Fern. But thinking of the last time he called her Fern inevitably leads him to the last time he just saw her. And she left him.

"There's one over here, and another in there. Quickly!" the same unpleasantly familiar voice from before jerks Deeks out of his thoughts, and this time, when he smells the Sunshine and Gunpowder, he knows it's because she's really right there.

The pressure on his wrists is suddenly gone, but it doesn't feel good—it doesn't feel like freedom. Instead, it feels like everything is spinning faster and faster into a new kind of prison.

Suddenly an unfamiliar face is in front of him, shining a light into his face. Deeks squints his eyes, desperate to avoid the light. But moving hurts, and he gives up, spitting a glob of blood out of his mouth.

"Yeah, he's got multiple dental trauma, possible fractured mandible… he's gonna need an oral surgeon."

None of this is really news to Deeks, so he looks up, away from the paramedic. He immediately wishes he hadn't. He locks eyes with his partner, and it's almost more painful that everything else. The pain is clouding his mind, and he can't read the expression in her eyes. He's about to give up when Sam's voice startles him.

"Deeks!" Sam shouts, causing the Detective to break eye contact with Kensi. "Did you give up Michelle?"

_He's still doubting me._

Deeks takes as deep a breath as he can and manages a small shake of his head. "No."

"Was Siderov playing her just now?"

"I didn't give her up," he manages before the world goes fuzzy. "I didn't give her up…"

As the world fades, he hears a sharp intake of breath and the sound of his name. But his head feels heavy and he just can't hang on any longer. He finally surrenders himself to the darkness.


	4. Angel of Regret

**AN: Hey again! Finals are finished, I'm working, and life is feeling amazingly grown up. How crazy is that? But enough about me... (for now) [bonus points if you know what I just quoted ;)] **

**Here is another depressing chapter of this depressing story. I'm currently feeling bummed that there hasn't been more Deeks in our weekly episodes. WE WERE PROMISED MORE DEEKS THIS SEASON! So, this is what came out of that :) **

**_Please enjoy, and know that I am working on another chapter for Hey Baby. It is NOT done yet. It won't be for a while, probably. Also, know that I will be posting a new hiatus story set back in season 5, the Afghanistan story. Here's a teaser:_**

**_"How do you think Kensi would react if Deeks had died in Afghanistan while rescuing her?" _**

**_Keep an eye out for that... I'll start posting chapters after the season finale. That said, leave a review for this chapter? Please and thanks! _**

**_Blessings,_**

**_bookdiva_**

* * *

That sound he makes.

When she hears it through Michelle's coms, Kensi has to remind herself over and over that he didn't really just die.

He's not dead yet.

They were fake bullets. Made out of rubber.

Fake bullets don't kill you.

She tries hard not to remember the time she'd been hit by a fake bullet during a training exercise and how bad that had hurt.

And she'd been completely healthy. No broken bones. Not tortured to within an inch of her life.

_Oh god. _

The thought hits her like a ton of bricks.

What if he had internal damage? What if the bullet exasperated it, and he really was dead? She left him there to die.

She killed him.

Her mind immediately began to churn up images of her, a gun pointed to her partner's head, pulling the trigger. The life blood—that she'd already seen more of than she had ever wanted to in a lifetime—pouring out of him. The life fading away from his eyes.

Never to twinkle again mischievously. Never to look deeply into her eyes and call bull shit. Never to meet hers in silent understanding and support. Never to smile or smirk or laugh again.

She tortures herself for what felt like hours but was really only minutes, until Granger finally gave the all clear. She slams the car into gear and hits the gas. As the car jerks forward, Kensi heard the sound of sirens.

An ambulance. One for Sam and one for Deeks. Because he still needs an ambulance. Because he is NOT dead.

She jumps out of the car before it comes to a stop, even though she's the one driving. She's racing towards the door before she even registers her actions, and her hands are shaking as she picks the lock again.

Granger's words don't register in her addled mind. All she sees is Deeks, still strapped down to the chair where she left him.

_She left him. _

This time, however, there is a hell of a lot more blood. His entire front is soaked in it. The construction lights shining directly on him make sure that she has a perfect view of exactly how bad his beautiful face is. He's not moving, and for a brief moment, she believes he's really gone.

He's gone.

It's her fault.

She knows there is no way she will recover.

All of this is going through her mind while she's trying to unstrap the thick leather buckles from his wrists. Her hands are shaking even worse, and around the same time she manages them, a paramedic pushes her aside.

The strange man shines a light into Deeks's mouth, and if she thought his external injuries were bad, nothing in her life has prepared her for the brief glimpse she gets of his internal injuries.

"Yeah, he's got multiple dental trauma," the EMT says firmly. Deeks's only response is a glob of blood that slips out of his mouth. "Possible fractured mandible. He's gonna need an oral surgeon."

Kensi's eyes dart from his eyes to his mouth to his chest to the scrape on his cheek and back to his eyes. She doesn't know where to look. Every new focal point seems to be worse than the last.

"Deeks!" Sam's voice cuts through Kensi's single-minded focus on her partner, and she watches as his eyes focus on the space behind her. "Did you give up Michelle?"

"No."

It's only one word, but it makes Kensi want to strangle Sam and cry, all at the same time. The rage and sadness war within her, but Sam continues anyway.

"Was Siderov playing her just now?" he demands again.

Kensi's eyes focus back in on her partner just in time to see his eyes glaze over.

"I didn't give her up…" he says, his words slightly slurred with the effort it takes to form them and the pain they caused him. "I didn't give her up…"

"And then his head slumps forward, and the paramedic is shouting again.

"He's lost consciousness!" he calls out to his team. "Priority 1, get him out of here. Now!"

In the shuffle of chaos, Kensi is pushed to the side. All she can do is stand there, watching as they lift Deeks's limp, lifeless body onto a stretcher and rush him to the ambulance.

She stands there, rooted to the spot and unable to move until her partner vanishes from her sight and out the door. Immediately, she races after him. She ignores Granger's command and Sam's words as he too gets carted out to an ambulance—something about making sure Deeks is okay—and she just runs.

She's too late. Deeks's ambulance has already left, but she knows where they're going. She jumps into the car, turns on the police lights, and speeds in the direction of the hospital.

The entire drive there, her mind is filled with so many thoughts, it might as well be blank. She doesn't really remember driving to the hospital, but suddenly, she's pulled up to the emergency room, just as the ambulance's back doors open. She jumps out of the car, leaving the keys in the ignition and the door ajar.

Kensi is by his side before he's fully lowered carefully out of the ambulance, and she has just enough presence of mind to flash her badge and send her scariest glare at the one medical professional who looks like he might say something.

Her badge gets her in, no questions. They're preceded by Sam and followed by Granger, but it all passes unnoticed by Kensi. The hallway becomes too narrow, and the EMTs push ahead of her. When she rounds the corner into the trauma room, a man in a white coat is counting down.

The pained grown Deeks lets out as the pain forces him back into consciousness tears her heart apart for the millionth time that day.

The man in the white coat moves up towards Deeks's head, cutting off Kensi's view.

"I'm Dr. Garcia," he says firmly. "I need to look inside your mouth."

"Nahhh…" comes Deeks's garbled reply.

"Detective!" the doctor shouts, and Kensi can no longer take it. "I need you to open your mouth."

Kensi is already pushing her way to his side when he pushes the doctor away. She steps up by his head, pushes the doctor and everyone away, and grasps his hand tightly. He doesn't return the pressure. He doesn't look her way.

"Deeks, you've got to listen to the doctor," she says, choking back her emotions.

The first time she found him, he had looked at her like she was his salvation. There had been slight hope in his beautiful, pain-filled eyes. Now, he turns his head away from her voice. He flinches slightly when she speaks.

Kensi has become almost familiar with the feeling of her heart shattering. The last few hours have been excruciating. But when he refuses to look at her, something deeper inside her breaks with unexplainable pain and then goes numb.

"Deeks!" she calls again, but again she gets no response. He starts to roll his head around, as if he is almost considering letting her in again, and a bubble of hope pops up in her chest. "Deeks…" she whispers, tightening her already too tight grip on his hand.

"C'mon Agent Blye," Granger steps in, reminding her of who she's supposed to be. "We've got work to do."

It's enough to snap her frazzled emotions back to auto pilot, and she releases her partner's hand, steps away, and follows Granger out of the room.

And with every step, Kensi is screaming inside. Fern withers away, drowned in regrets.


End file.
